Ever moved on from something so much that you don't really care or have an opnion on whether you wish it happened or didn't. Like it's so far away from you, not by time, but the person you are now is just so different and has little care to the things you would have died for back then. And when someone mentions it to you like "Hey remember when...", all you got is a mere laugh. You kinda find it unreal at how all that went down and now....now you feel so far away from it. "I don't want to see them anymore"...nah it ain't that type of move on but more like you see them...and you feel absolutely nothing. No hate. No grudge. You find yourself greeting them. You have nothing in you. It's all just completely behind you. And somewhere in that you find a little peace.
"This'll be the last" she looked in the mirror. Short dark brown hair, big eyes, a somewhat beautiful smile....tall-ish and a pretty long dress....was all reflected back. She somehow felt satisfied. "This'll be the last, I promise". She walked out of the room. She saw so many faces, the people that were always there but declared themselves as there no more, the people she once couldn't stop talking to, the people she loved like never before but broke her heart, the one's she thought would be uncle's to her children, the one's she met at 7am and ended up being "so close with",all she thought she'd always have...and the walls have pictures she never wants to see again. Yes she smiled in those pictures. She was happy but no more. "I was happy" "I smiled and it was all so amazing" she doesn't even wanna think that. No reminiscing. No nostalgia. She now sees the door. She didn't greet anyone or say goodbye...she wondered if they'd know though. It didn't really matter. They'd not see her no one could reach out. Now she doesn't live in any of their lives. She's a memory and forever it shall be like that. They'll think of the good old times but probably, never will they know who she'll be. Maybe her views on this will change. Right now, she just knows she's walking to the door. And she has no intention of thinking or feeling the frustration. "That was the last" she smiled as she saw a man holding out his hand and she held them tight. This was where she wanted to be and where she should be. Not in those "Not so vivid" connections with them people. But with the strings she could make out with no issue. She held onto it as they walked and she left with the thought of no return. For that was the best thing for everyone and everyone will come to know that. Being oblivious means no more when all she wants is for that hand to be in hers forever. She'll never forget. As she left she didn't turn back for she was sure they'd all be okay. They'll all be okay.
And so I take my leave
LSIKAGURA
And so I take my leave
LSIKAGURA
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Why it sucks to be depressed or have any mental health problems.
You've just realized you have to face feelings you've ran away from your whole life. You don't know what you really feel towards almost everything and you waver in your decision even on small things cause you don't really find it in you to trust your feelings. Everything you knew and believed to be true has turned upside down and you don't know what ground you're standing on. Cause the reasons you piled up for proof that you're okay and that things will get better have almost no value now. The people whom you thought you needed the most and you'd always have are not really there anymore. The things that were definitions to your many important things like love, friendship....family.... doesn't really fit anymore. Heck you don't know if there's anything that does fit. You see yourself slipping from everything and most times you just don't want to wake up to the next day. You don't really find joy in things. And on top of all the mixed up feelings...you've gotta pick yourself up everyday and try your very best not to slip yourself and just end everything. Nobody around you really knows what you're feeling and you feel obligated to keep it that way. Cause you've seen how they get when you slip up. But you also want to let it all out but then you can't cause you're too used to just saying it all in your head.....and the worst part. You don't even know what you want to say anymore or you don't really believe it'll change anything.
You see people will not really understand how it feels to actually have depression or ADHD or to constantly be gaslighting yourself or having been traumatised and so on. They tell you to not think about it...to not bitch about it or that you're strong and you can fight through anything and expect you to be okay the next day. Or just in a week. The people around you can't really handle it. You know for a fact they can't handle all of you. They tell you just talk to me about it. And there's no way to explain to them this isn't just about venting but an actual sickness that needs maybe a year or probably even more time to heal or it's chronic and you're trying your best to survive with it. They won't really understand how much you've forgotten how it feels to be happy or to laugh from your heart. And every single day is a battle. A battle to still be around the next day when you feel like you really don't want to be around.
You ve got about no one acknowledging your fight, on the other hand you're losing people whom you called yours because well you're sadly caught up in all your issues in your head, you didn't really see that they cracked. And you don't really know how to fix them or how to openly indulge yourself in the relationships you used to have cause now you're scared something else will happen and it feels better and safer to keep away.
You stick out like a sore thumb and the irony is only you can see it cause there ain't much people that know what you've really become. Most people are familiar with the " you " you built in survival mode. And even you're trying to figure yourself out.
It just feels like it'd be nice if everyone gets it not take it personally when you say "I tried to kill myself" or " I really just want to die".
Some even take it as you just wanting attention.
To everyone out there I really wish you all good luck.
@Hunterdk
Thank you for your time and the good comments you've all sent so far.
You've just realized you have to face feelings you've ran away from your whole life. You don't know what you really feel towards almost everything and you waver in your decision even on small things cause you don't really find it in you to trust your feelings. Everything you knew and believed to be true has turned upside down and you don't know what ground you're standing on. Cause the reasons you piled up for proof that you're okay and that things will get better have almost no value now. The people whom you thought you needed the most and you'd always have are not really there anymore. The things that were definitions to your many important things like love, friendship....family.... doesn't really fit anymore. Heck you don't know if there's anything that does fit. You see yourself slipping from everything and most times you just don't want to wake up to the next day. You don't really find joy in things. And on top of all the mixed up feelings...you've gotta pick yourself up everyday and try your very best not to slip yourself and just end everything. Nobody around you really knows what you're feeling and you feel obligated to keep it that way. Cause you've seen how they get when you slip up. But you also want to let it all out but then you can't cause you're too used to just saying it all in your head.....and the worst part. You don't even know what you want to say anymore or you don't really believe it'll change anything.
You see people will not really understand how it feels to actually have depression or ADHD or to constantly be gaslighting yourself or having been traumatised and so on. They tell you to not think about it...to not bitch about it or that you're strong and you can fight through anything and expect you to be okay the next day. Or just in a week. The people around you can't really handle it. You know for a fact they can't handle all of you. They tell you just talk to me about it. And there's no way to explain to them this isn't just about venting but an actual sickness that needs maybe a year or probably even more time to heal or it's chronic and you're trying your best to survive with it. They won't really understand how much you've forgotten how it feels to be happy or to laugh from your heart. And every single day is a battle. A battle to still be around the next day when you feel like you really don't want to be around.
You ve got about no one acknowledging your fight, on the other hand you're losing people whom you called yours because well you're sadly caught up in all your issues in your head, you didn't really see that they cracked. And you don't really know how to fix them or how to openly indulge yourself in the relationships you used to have cause now you're scared something else will happen and it feels better and safer to keep away.
You stick out like a sore thumb and the irony is only you can see it cause there ain't much people that know what you've really become. Most people are familiar with the " you " you built in survival mode. And even you're trying to figure yourself out.
It just feels like it'd be nice if everyone gets it not take it personally when you say "I tried to kill myself" or " I really just want to die".
Some even take it as you just wanting attention.
To everyone out there I really wish you all good luck.
@Hunterdk
Thank you for your time and the good comments you've all sent so far.
እሳት ቅኔ አማረው?!
የተወለደበትን ቀዬ ትቶ ቃሉን ሊማር የወጣው ከርታታ ተማሪ!
"በእንተ ስማ ለማርያም ስለ እመብርሃን" ከሚል ቃል በቀር ሌላ ስንቅ ያልያዘው ምስኪን ተማሪ!
ከወላጆቹ እቅፍ ተነጥሎ ቤተክርስቲያንን ቤቴ ብሎ የወጣው የጽድቅ ስደተኛ ተማሪ!
ምቾቱን ሳይፈልግ መሬት ላይ እየተኛ ስንቁን ለምኖ በጎስቋላ ጎጆ የሚያድረው ተማሪ!
ሥጋውን አስርቦ ነፍሱን የሚያጠግበው በቃለ እግዚአብሔር ማዕበል ውስጥ እየዋኘ የሚያድረው ተማሪ!
ጎጆውም ከቤት ተቆጥራ እሳት ነደደባት ሲባል መስማት ምንኛ ያቆስላል? የወላጆቹን ቤት ተሰናብቶ ወጥቶ ቤቱ ያደረጋት የሳር ጎጆ : ለምኖ የሚያመጣትን ስንቅና በስስት የሚያነባቸውን መጻሕፍቱን የሚያስቀምጥባት ምቾት አልባዋ ጎን ማሳረፊያው ተቃጥላ ስትጠብቀው ምን ተሰምቶት ይሆን?
ምስኪኑ ተማሪ ዛሬ የት አድረህ ይሆን? አንተ ባለ ቅኔ ዛሬ ለጎጆህ ምን ተቀኝተህላት ይሆን? መቼም ቅኔ የማይጠራው የለም! እሳትም ቅኔ አምሮት ከቅኔ ቤት ገባ?
የሚቻለንን ሁሉ አድርገን ስደተኛውን ቅኔ ወደ ቤቱ እንመልሰው::
ዲ/ን ሄኖክ ኃይሌ
መጋቢት 2014 ዓ.ም.
በእግዚአብሔር ስም #ሼር
ለሌሎችም እንዲደርስ በየግሩፑ #Share አደሩጉው !
የተወለደበትን ቀዬ ትቶ ቃሉን ሊማር የወጣው ከርታታ ተማሪ!
"በእንተ ስማ ለማርያም ስለ እመብርሃን" ከሚል ቃል በቀር ሌላ ስንቅ ያልያዘው ምስኪን ተማሪ!
ከወላጆቹ እቅፍ ተነጥሎ ቤተክርስቲያንን ቤቴ ብሎ የወጣው የጽድቅ ስደተኛ ተማሪ!
ምቾቱን ሳይፈልግ መሬት ላይ እየተኛ ስንቁን ለምኖ በጎስቋላ ጎጆ የሚያድረው ተማሪ!
ሥጋውን አስርቦ ነፍሱን የሚያጠግበው በቃለ እግዚአብሔር ማዕበል ውስጥ እየዋኘ የሚያድረው ተማሪ!
ጎጆውም ከቤት ተቆጥራ እሳት ነደደባት ሲባል መስማት ምንኛ ያቆስላል? የወላጆቹን ቤት ተሰናብቶ ወጥቶ ቤቱ ያደረጋት የሳር ጎጆ : ለምኖ የሚያመጣትን ስንቅና በስስት የሚያነባቸውን መጻሕፍቱን የሚያስቀምጥባት ምቾት አልባዋ ጎን ማሳረፊያው ተቃጥላ ስትጠብቀው ምን ተሰምቶት ይሆን?
ምስኪኑ ተማሪ ዛሬ የት አድረህ ይሆን? አንተ ባለ ቅኔ ዛሬ ለጎጆህ ምን ተቀኝተህላት ይሆን? መቼም ቅኔ የማይጠራው የለም! እሳትም ቅኔ አምሮት ከቅኔ ቤት ገባ?
የሚቻለንን ሁሉ አድርገን ስደተኛውን ቅኔ ወደ ቤቱ እንመልሰው::
ዲ/ን ሄኖክ ኃይሌ
መጋቢት 2014 ዓ.ም.
በእግዚአብሔር ስም #ሼር
ለሌሎችም እንዲደርስ በየግሩፑ #Share አደሩጉው !
I was furious at the world. Resented every bit of it. Why does everything cross the perfect line I made? Why can't I ever be good enough? It was hatred that grew unnoticed. It fed on my ignorance of it. It was like letting the bastard grow,turning a blind eye, and eventually he'd come to kill the king. My whole being knew but that small part of me that didn't want to admit there was love in me for this disgusting being I called my world, that small part won. I desired many things. I desired running away....being known.....being heard.....appreciated.....I most desired vengeance....justice for the right that was taken from me to be crazy. I had all fingers pointed....she broke me.....he did that.....and most of all I resented the fact that I loved myself despite being so imperfect....despite being so far away from the me I should be. Running on adrenaline didn't help. Either a day will come when brust and scream it all out or I'd wither away with my never heard and never understood pain. Time heals they say. Time doesn't heal without one wanting to be healed. I think more than healing time teaches us. Processes teach us. U learn and feed on what ur given to a point u don't even realize the gap between who u were and who u r now. And I've never felt more liberated in my life. Yes I've wished to kill....to end....I've wished to dissappear...and yes I wished to destroy everything...I mean everything. But for that desperation in me that longed to be loved right and wanted I didn't do any of those. I was a giver but I felt like I took more than I gave so it was only fair. I judged upon myself "this is the price you'll pay for being here" cause it felt like I didn't deserve an ounce of it and my natural instinct of wanting more love, more affection, wanting to be in my body really feeling everything, made my judgements on me worse. How could I? When I was the cause for all of it. And it made me go insane trying to make myself neglect the fact that there was no proof that it was indeed my fault. But who else could I blame. Suddenly it felt as though I've actually always been pointing fingers at me. It felt as though I hated me so much. But in truth I just tried so much to hate me to a point I could dispose of me. That was what the masked me wanted. To end it all so there would be no more of this. Cause in reality nobody really understands how loud it is...or how crowded in my brain. So ofcourse there'll be no cure for me....right? I hit rock-bottom when all this went against one thing I could never deny. My real being. Of course there's a cure for me....that I didn't believe in. Of course I'd get better....the idea made me scoff though. And that made me look into the mirror at a complete monster. What will I be now? That sole thought brought me back to life. And when I asked that question to myself I looked around to see what I've always been, and I was a pupet. To what people liked, to what didn't make them disappointed, to their beliefs.....anything and everything they had set as the best or cool. I was slave to that. But as I had the chance to realize "I really don't know who I am...at all" I was free from those shackles. I saw no point in them anymore. I had no one to impress. I could see that that road would lead me to unhappiness. I felt liberated. At least better. But I still didn't know how to forgive. How could I, when I didn't even acknowledge the fact that it was okay for me to be mad and angry at others....I too blamed. I blamed gravely. And then I felt more liberated. And even more so when I cut the lines and boundaries I set. They were not mine to bear. No one had to have them. So why should I? More liberation......and now accepting what has happened in that past....accepting that yeah people made mistakes and it greatly affected me....I let it affect me as well.....accepting all that and willing to fight not to deny any of it....made me feel more alive.....and now I know I don't need to prove anything
I don't need to make people understand. I know they won't. It's fine to listen, think and smile. It's fine to confide within myself. It's fine to love me and ik I'm not alone. Not because of anything in this world though. It's fine for me not to like it. It was never really home. It's only sane that I'd wish to be somewhere better. It's fine to be around people and not be an open book. How could they ever read me? I don't want to be read. I don't want to let the world know anything. I've nothing to prove. And I don't demand answers. I don't have to let my moves show. I don't need to be called a gem. Words don't only have to be spoken out to be heard by others. And that's fine. And I forgive. For once and for all I've really let go. Cause that's just how much the pain was worth. 18 years of my life but not my soul. And so I forgive. I forgive us all. Thank you
To be honest it's really scary now to fully be able to be yourself and voice yourself. You stand at the edge of completely falling for them, you look down from a mountain built so high with the fear you've gathered thus far from all those people that left when you showed your all. Even when they make you feel safe and even when they show to be in love with you and without reason follow you around and be with you....all the green flags are now scary to you. On your first love there was no red flag for you. When you said it took you a while to realise the red flags....you weren't exactly blind to them. They were just never there to begin with. Just like that. Thus now, unable to explain that to people who labe all this as "love makes one blind" you choose silence over it. You see Jo point in trying to match your story of the times you spent together with how other people perceived it. That gives you a little more freedom and a little more space from the afterwards drama you walked out on. But now....at the gates of the new chapter in your life completely without them or just too little of them that you no longer consider them a place to hide and depend on....you have a path to walk alone in so when another comes willing to walk that path with you.....you forget how to walk and you walk just close enough to hear what they say but not mix hearts and plan out life together. You don't tell them no I'm not really into that....you barely reveal anything about yourself, there's just a space open enough for two people to hold a real conversation based on things that don't really open your insides. Cause the moment that happens you know you'll bail.
So yeah it is scary and that
I mean this
I no longer
Want to be
So yeah it is scary and that
I mean this
I no longer
Want to be